It’s almost 2025, and I’m back home and fully recovered from a brief but intense battle with Miss Falciparum, aka malaria. I came out of it donning rose-tinted glasses, feeling happier and immensely grateful for my life and my body. I’m writing this because the tint is fading, and the greyness once again is encroaching on my view of the world. I know now not to let it. I monitor it intensely now instead of blindly stepping into months and years of despair, unaware of why I feel the way I do and hating myself for daring to be sad when I am so privileged. As I write this, I feel better equipped to handle this incoming wave of gloom despite what the tears currently running down my face suggest (it's mostly catharsis not sadness). I will tell you a few reasons why that is. I am in therapy; when I return home to England in January, I will be beginning an intensive round of talk therapy to explore my depression, habits, relationships, and, most importantly, how to shed the ways of thinking & being that no longer serve me. Secondly, I am approaching my 30's; I feel the urging of time ticking, some internal pressure within me to confront, question and change how I have been approaching life. An approach which was entirely comprised of fear, blame, shame, guilt, judgment, reclusion and self-hatred. In the spirit of balance and truth, I will be interspersing photos of joy, fun, and triviality whilst I discuss some not-so-fun things. It’s an honest reflection of my mind, moments of vibrance amidst a backdrop of endless grey, stillness and monotony. For a long while, I viewed my life as a calendar, good days are vivid, and bad days are grey. From the age of 17 till now, it’s been dominated by grey. Nowadays, I think of my journey as a tune, a melody that weaves and shifts (🤮 I know). Trauma and depression have made this tune discordant. This melody has not been to my taste, but it is my music. In acknowledging that simple, terrifying and powerful truth, I think I have learned something essential to living. Something every child should grow up knowing, but for some reason, I and many others struggled to learn, even deep into adulthood. The truth is I am the one playing this music, I am at once the composer and its most devoted audience. I have learned that you can’t deny, denounce, or despair over the music of your life. You cannot be shamed for it unless you yourself are ashamed of your sound. The worst sin, which we all know yet seemingly can’t avoid in our current era, is comparing your music to someone else’s. Whoever came up with the saying “dance to the beat of your own drum” ateee down mama, but most likely they just went through a bunch of shit. Another absolute queen is the person who said, “Comparison is the thief of joy”. When I was younger, I compared myself to others, I would covet elements and aspects of people I thought I lacked, and the most effective solution for this was stepping away from social media. I knew that the algorithm was amplifying this covetousness and habit of comparison, it was making me less grateful for my life. Again, in the service of balance and truth, I must admit that this decision to self-preserve also largely contributed to my isolation and disconnection from my peers and the world. The more I stepped back, the more things felt alien to me and made me want to retreat further inwards. In more recent years, comparison has reared its bitch ass head again, in a more insidious way. I mourn and crave the person I would and should have been had I not had mental health issues and let those issues define who I was. Have you seen the Apple show, Dark Matter? I am that crazy motherfucker stalking the idealised version of myself, wanting her life and hating mine. I find myself holding myself up to her image and life, her potential and adventures. It has shown me a different type of grief and discontent hitherto unknown to me. The highlight reel, screening all day, every day, pits my failures and shortcomings against her perfection. I believe this is my mind's attempt to distort that beautiful realisation I spoke of earlier. Instead of seizing on the opportunity and relief of finding out that I can control my thoughts and actions, my brain is attempting to retcon my life and highlight all the ways that I, not depression, anxiety or trauma, have fucked up my life and opportunities. I berate myself for not knowing this sooner and living a fuller life than I have done, which in turn makes me even more depressed and hopeless that I’ve wasted my good years and there is no going back. Do you see the distortions? It is all or nothing (either it was all depression's fault or all my fault, and since I know now it’s my fault, I’m a failure). It is tormenting myself with should statements (if I have been in control of my life all this time, then surely it means I should have made better choices, right? Right!?). It is jumping to conclusions (well, it’s all nice & cute that I’ve realised this now, but it's far too late and I’ll never get to where I should’ve been, so it’s all fucked anyways). *Spoiler alert* If you’ve finished the show Dark Matter, it ends with that crazy motherfucker ruining his own life and that of his idealised self. It’s an extreme metaphor, but it has a nugget of truth. Comparison, seeking perfection and holding on to perceived failures & shortcomings are always destructive forces. Our feeds, our personalised realities, most things we consume nowadays are dominated by people portraying these forces as self-improvement, growth, glowing up, levelling up, looksmaxxing, etc, each one tailored to whatever displeases us about ourselves and our lives. In actual reality, this quest for the idealised versions of us breeds deep dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and an inability to see oneself as one truly is. For example, the pressure of my encroaching 30s is probably a mix of genuine changes in my outlook as I get older, but also largely a consequence of capitalistic endeavours pushed by algorithms to make us all panicked enough to consume goods and services that promise youth & perfection. It tells me I am past my prime, and tells you you're currently wasting yours, but if you just do xyz you're back in the game mama! If you’re a well-adjusted adult, you probably have enough mechanisms in place to counter those feelings. However, if you’re like me, you might drown in this negative chorus constantly being blasted around us in every direction and domain of our lives. If you’re also like me, you’ve learned the hard way that going full hermit may not protect you from it all and can leave you lonelier and more isolated than before. So, what the fuck to do? I think if you’ve read this far you know that I am distinctly unqualified to tell you what to do, and it's quite alarming that you thought I would know, maybe you're the crazy one. What I will try to do is be honest in my journey of trying to figure it out, and hopefully, along the way, share something that might help or ease the burden of living in a harsh world, be it internally or externally. I tend to think of my mental struggles as a tarnish on who I am, something that diminishes me, ruins me, and makes me less than. I often think of myself as damaged goods; it’s an awful mindset which reflects poorly on me, but it’s also an indictment on our society & communities, the things we value, and the things we think should be hidden from view. I don’t see other people with mental issues the way I see myself, but we also judge others the way we judge ourselves, so perhaps that isn’t entirely true (I did just call you all crazy). So, in writing and sharing this, I hope this makes me kinder to the world and the things and people living in it, which begrudgingly, I must admit, includes me. I want to be clear that in talking about all of this I’m not equating struggle to enlightenment, neither am I trying to glamourise & trivialise trauma and mental illness. I just hope that through all the pain and fear, there exists a path to a better mind & life, and I’d like to share that. If there isn’t, I’ll share that too. So far it hasn’t felt like that path exists, with each blow I have felt weaker and less able to carry on than before. It is also true, that each time that feeling has faded, and in fact, I have carried on. So, with that in mind, my only resolution for this coming year is to examine my way of being without shame, judgement or blame, and let go of the things that have helped me cope for so long that no longer serve me. I'm inviting you to join me :) P.S. No, I don’t mean cut off your friends, that’s literally the exact opposite of what I just said.

I developed mild to moderate acne in my mid teens, that, along with the hyperpigmentation that tends to accompany acne, was the catalyst for my skincare journey. It turned me into a skincare fiend. It’s the thing I could probably talk the most about, which is a damning indictment of my intellect, but the answer could have easily been Game of Thrones lore, so we take our wins wherever we can. I have been obsessed with learning about skincare since my mid-teens, and like many others my introduction was the incomparable Caroline Hirons (CH) via Zoe Sugg. I still remember discovering her blog and quite literally consuming the content overnight. I was hooked. Again like most of you skincare enthusiasts, I've been through the highs and lows of an addiction: namely wasting too much on serums, destroying my skincare barrier and wondering why my face felt like one massive blister, having wish lists upon wish lists and just knowing in my heart that the main thing standing between me and glass skin was that £130 SK-II essence. Nowadays, you'll find my beauty cupboard quite bare in comparison to most skincare fiends. Thats because over the years I've tried countless products & trends, and have simplified my routine down to what works for me. Throughout this blog, you'll find me dispensing years of tried and tested skincare tricks and tips for you, I'll share mistakes I've made along the way so you don't have to and lastly I'll try and cut through all the marketing shit and tell you whats really tea. This post will detail my current skincare routine for day and night, along with little extras I do every so often to maintain healthy, glowing skin. I know all of you skincare folks are nosy like me and love taking a look at peoples beauty spaces (for the truly nosy check out Sali Hughes In the Bathroom series for the ultimate fix!) so thats the main reason I'm writing this. Secondly, what I want you to focus your attention on is the main objective of each of the steps. Whether you're a novice seeking to build a new routine from scratch or an expert in desperate need of a skincare cull, this will be the foundation for your new & improved routine. In future posts, you will learn how to pair this basic routine with products aimed at improving your own individual skin concerns. Disclaimer* So obviously we're all aware I'm not a professional, always go visit one if you have any serious skincare concerns. That will always be my number 1 advice, they have taught me my best tips and helped the most in healing my acne & hyperpigmentation. Morning Routine Step 1: Cleanse Wash your face in the morning. Yes if it wasn't for that track of drool you would look perfectly dewy and glowy first thing in the morning, but thats perspiration babes aka sweat. I like to use something foaming which is a relic from my oilier skin days when I couldn't tolerate cleansers that do not lather up. This one from Cerave contains salycylic acid, which is a great exfoliant and anti-acne ingredient. Cerave is a favourite skincare brand of mine, back when my skin was more acne-prone I similarly could not tolerate fragrances & excessive alcohol so I stuck to brands like Cerave, Cetaphil, The Ordinary etc. Now that my skin can handle a lot more, I still benefit from avoiding harsh products. I believe its the only way to avoid messing up your skin barrier. Step 2: Protect This is a relatively new step in my routine, I used to skip straight to moisturiser and spf but I've decided to reintroduce vitamin C to my routine. Vitamin C is excellent at shielding your skin from UV rays, free radicals and boosting collagen but it's very unstable and I'm sorry to say that most vitamin C products decay and become unviable very quickly after purchase. The popular, well documented Skinceuticals C E Ferulic is excellent but comes at a hefty price tag of £165 for 30ml. Even without a cozzy livs, that price tag is unsustainable for most. I've started adding Dermatica's 15% Ascorbic Acid to my regular order (see below), and will provide an update on my experience after a few months in. Step 3: Moisturise & Protect Lastly for the day, and most importantly is sun protection. I just want to add that if you're like me, you probably don't like the texture, feeling and look of spf on your skin. I completly get it. Throughout most of my life, I often loved the look of my skin right up until the moment I applied spf and then my skin would suddenly look textured and greasy. And don't even get me started on applying makeup on top of it! Or the impracticality of reapplication!! Like I said, I get it. I wish I had a magical remedy or hero product but the truth is, it doesn't exist. You're going to have to get used to applying sunscreen, I'll share a more detailed post on the best products I've used so far, and tips on how to get used to it. The condensed version is truly acknowledging that it IS the most important step in your routine, it is better than any treatment, tool, product you could use. In fact, I'd wager that if you combined all those things and went head to head, sun protection would still come out on top as being more beneficial for your skin. I'm currently using this Garnier Vitamin C Serum with spf 50, I'm not super confident on the efficacy of the vitamin C in this product as explained above, so its mostly for the sun protection. I like it as it's lightweight, spreads easily and most importantly for me, has no white cast. Another product I love is the Beauty of Joseon Matte Sun Stick Spf 50, it is what I use post gym or when I'm out and about and need to reapply sunscreen. Because of my oily skin, my face looks greasy when I apply it but I have come to embrace looking glazed. Evening Routine Step 1: Cleanse In the evening, we are switching the focus from protection to treatment, this is the time to add your key ingredients to address specific skincare concerns. A very good skincare tip I learned from CH is to do your night/evening routine as soon as the sun goes down, you're treating your skin not your pillows! I like to use a very basic, mild cleanser, something I know won't interfere with the products that are about to follow, currently I am using Clinique's Mild Facial Soap, usually I use the Cerave Foaming Wash, but I received this as a gift and decided to finish it off before I repurchase my go-to. Step 2: Treat Retinol is essential darlings. Beg, borrow or steal if you have to, but find a way to incorporate it into your routine. I will be writing up a retinol guide, but until then I recommend you start out with adapalene if you're a newbie before moving on to higher strength products containing retinol/tretinoin. I would also recommend beginners switch step 2 and 3 by applying moisturiser before retinol, which significantly decreases irritation and doesn't make the product any less effective! Retinol increases cell turnover, which means its excellent at making sure your skin cells renew themselves frequently and evenly. I live in the UK where tretinoin (my preferred retinol) is not available over the counter. As a result, I've been purchasing it from Dermatica since 2021, which is an online subscription service that provides prescription skincare at a monthly price of £24. As an added benefit, your skin gets analysed by dermatologists, and along with your retinol you can get other custom ingredients that are beneficial to you. I may share my Dermatica journey and some before and after pics if I'm feeling brave. Step 3: Moisturise Last step is to moisturise, a favourite of mine is the Cerave Facial Moisturising Lotion, it contains ceramides, niacinamide and a host of other good ingredients that soothe your skin after the beating it takes from daily activities. Weekly & Monthly Treatments Mask Every time my face feels beat up, or when I've over done it with exfoliation (it happens to the best of us) or just when I feel like a pamper sesh, I use La Roche Posay Cicaplast Baume. If I was writing a holy grail product list, this would be close to the top. This product heals your skin, I like to think of it as a creamier, more healing version of Aquaphor. It soothes skin, promotes healing, has anti bacterial properties, what more can I say? Go give La Roche Posay their coins, they did that. Exfoliator I have two in this category, one is mostly a physical exfoliant and the other is chemical. For our physical exfoliant, we have Dermalogica's "Daily" Microfoliant, I want to say two things about this product. Firstly, Miss Dermalogica we both know theres nothing "daily" about this product. People who use this daily, do you still have a face, and if so how? This is a rough exfoliant and if you're not careful you could cause micro-tears in your face, so please use with caution. Secondly, neither you or I NEED a physical exfoliator, in my opinion and experience it does more harm than good for most users. Think of the damage St Ives scrub has done over the years (I was about to make a class action lawsuit joke, turns out this was already a thing but unfortunately the case got tossed out). St Ives you will crumble! Okay so those two big disclaimers aside, I like to use this product no more than once a month, I use the gentlest of pressures to gently circle this product around my face with just the pads of my fingertips. Once you wash it off, your skin should look feel clearer, you'll notice a transient improvement in texture, but over time this should become a more permanent change. If you tend to have patches of rougher skin above your chin and nose and you use as directed, you'll love this product. For chemical exfoliation, I use the Biolgique Recherche Lotion P50 ( I told you I'm a Miss Hirons devotee). Okay, so I bought this to splurge, its been on my wish list since I was 15 (which is highly problematic but we'll talk about that later) and I am now 27, so I think commendations are in order for my restraint. I've heard a lot about it over the years, its a powerful exfoliant containing all the acids basically (AHAs, BHA, PHA etc) and I've been using it for 6 months now. Guys we got another one, I think this may be another holy grail product. I also use it very sparingly, initially due to the cost, and then soon after due to the burning and tingling sensation which let me know it was not a product to be trifled with. I use it once every fortnight in the evenings, and apply moisturiser or a mask on top, I'm happy with the frequency and unlikely to change it. The best way I can describe the effect (from 3rd/4th use onwards) is you wake up looking like you had a facial. This isn't your average good skin day, I mean you will notice a visible improvement in texture and reduction of hyperpigmentation. Its great and I would highly recommend it if you're willing to splurge. If its outside your budget, its not something you need and I'd like to remind you that I achieved clear, even skin without this product. Whew! Alright thats my routine, I hope you've learned something new and/or helpful. Feel free to ask me any questions, I'll be happy to answer or just wax lyrical about skincare, its a safe space x